Anyway, here's the story in its entirety:
PORT ORCHARD, Wash. (AP) -- A fast-food cook and Seattle Seahawks fan has been accused of spitting on a hamburger ordered by a man wearing Pittsburgh Steelers attire. Kitsap County sheriff's deputies say the 37-year-old customer was with his daughters at the Port Orchard-area eatery last Saturday. He reportedly traded remarks with an employee about Super Bowl XL in which the Seahawks lost to the Steelers. When the customer opened his food container, he says there was spittle on the burger. He demanded a refund and called the fast-foot outlet's district manager. The manager told deputies a 24-year-old man might be responsible. The next day, deputies went to his house and smelled marijuana. The man was released after being booked for investigation of fourth-degree assault and possession of marijuana.Goodness, talk about a bad day -- and not necessarily because the AP let that story hit the wire with such an awkward, tense-shifting sentence as, "When the customer opened his food container, he says there was spittle on the burger." Nah. I'm talking about Fast Food Dude. I mean, one afternoon you're merrily flipping burgers, just minding your own business, when next thing you know you're in the hole with Bubba, your resume now topped with a double dollop of assault and dope charges. All because your favorite football team couldn't tackle Willie Parker, and you couldn't handle being reminded of that fact by some hungry schlub who happens to dress like me. Stinks, man. Of course, had I been the Steelers fan who discovered my Special Sauce had been substituted with Sore Loser Seattle Spittle, I might have been satisfied by simply taking my food back to the counter with the admonition that the line cook could "kiss my rings" and enjoy his day. But that's me. After all, because this particular Steelers fan preferred to press charges, I got to kill some time on a Friday evening by typing this crap, while you just lost a few precious minutes of your life by actually reading this far. Oh, well. Pass the ketchup -- preferably Heinz, of course -- and Go Steelers.