Friday, March 28, 2008

"i'll have the super bowl special, with extra spit, please..."

This afternoon, the Associated Press moved a story that an editor at work happened to forward to me. The editor's subject line read, "Be careful if you order anything from microsoft." Seems some folks in Seattle aren't quite over Super Bowl XL, that splendid football game played on Feb. 5, 2006, when the Steelers beat the Seahawks, 21-10, to win their fifth world championship. [Not to gloat or anything.]

Anyway, here's the story in its entirety:
PORT ORCHARD, Wash. (AP) -- A fast-food cook and Seattle Seahawks fan has been accused of spitting on a hamburger ordered by a man wearing Pittsburgh Steelers attire. Kitsap County sheriff's deputies say the 37-year-old customer was with his daughters at the Port Orchard-area eatery last Saturday. He reportedly traded remarks with an employee about Super Bowl XL in which the Seahawks lost to the Steelers. When the customer opened his food container, he says there was spittle on the burger. He demanded a refund and called the fast-foot outlet's district manager. The manager told deputies a 24-year-old man might be responsible. The next day, deputies went to his house and smelled marijuana. The man was released after being booked for investigation of fourth-degree assault and possession of marijuana.
Goodness, talk about a bad day -- and not necessarily because the AP let that story hit the wire with such an awkward, tense-shifting sentence as, "When the customer opened his food container, he says there was spittle on the burger." Nah. I'm talking about Fast Food Dude. I mean, one afternoon you're merrily flipping burgers, just minding your own business, when next thing you know you're in the hole with Bubba, your resume now topped with a double dollop of assault and dope charges. All because your favorite football team couldn't tackle Willie Parker, and you couldn't handle being reminded of that fact by some hungry schlub who happens to dress like me. Stinks, man. Of course, had I been the Steelers fan who discovered my Special Sauce had been substituted with Sore Loser Seattle Spittle, I might have been satisfied by simply taking my food back to the counter with the admonition that the line cook could "kiss my rings" and enjoy his day. But that's me. After all, because this particular Steelers fan preferred to press charges, I got to kill some time on a Friday evening by typing this crap, while you just lost a few precious minutes of your life by actually reading this far. Oh, well. Pass the ketchup -- preferably Heinz, of course -- and Go Steelers.

3 comments:

rich said...

Look at it this way Stiller faithful, we have officially sent Seattle's 12th man (please) to the football equivalent of pigskin purgatory, where all you can do year after year is bemoan bad losses while you watch a bad team. This is inevitably followed by at some point or another by a humiliating act that is somehow associated with "fandom."
p.s. You get the idea this act was somehow inspired by an Iggles fan? ... I do.

Diaz said...

As an Eagles fan, I do not take offense that rich here thinks this was insprired by an Iggles fan. I am happy my Pittsburgh friends gleefully say "kiss my rings", because as the rest of the country knows, there would be no reason for Pittsburgh to exist if the Steelers weren't there. In fact, it probably would be better if it weren't, because all of those ugly women wouldn't be reproducing over there.

Can't we just continue to call them "Pittsburgh" and then just relocate the team to Alabama or something? We would be able to reduce a couple of stops on the Turnpike too...

(by the way, if it was an Eagles fan, we wouldn't do something like spit in the burger. They would have been kicked out of the restaurant. OR maybe just laughed at because someone was actually admitting they were from Pittsburgh)

Diaz said...

The Battle for Pennsylvania is September 21, 2008, not next Tuesday, April 22, 2008....